Understanding Each Other, Even When We Disagree

In the days following Thanksgiving, many of us return to daily life carrying the echo of family conversations — the warm ones, the awkward ones, and the ones that revealed just how differently we see the world. It’s a reminder that understanding each other isn’t always easy. But it’s also a reminder that staying open and connected, even in disagreement, is both possible and deeply worthwhile.

The ability to speak respectfully — and to listen with real intention — is a skill we can all strengthen. Here are six simple, practical ways to begin.

1. Start With Curiosity, Not Combat

Most arguments escalate because each person arrives ready to defend their position. A civil conversation begins with curiosity instead. Ask questions like, “What experiences led you to feel that way?” or “What’s most important to you on this issue?” Curiosity signals that you’re listening — not preparing your next counterpoint. People feel respected when others want to understand them, even if a disagreement remains.

2. Separate People From Positions

A view is not an identity. When we assume someone is the belief they hold, every disagreement feels personal.

Your friend might say, “We should do X.” That doesn’t mean they are defined by that idea.

Holding a view is not the same as BEING that view. Separating the person from their position creates room for growth, change, and mutual respect.

3. Use Communication Tools That Support Understanding

Your tone can turn a discussion sour faster than content. Try this:

“I feel frustrated when our conversations move quickly to disagreement. Let’s slow down and talk through it together.”

Why this works:

• It starts with “I feel…” instead of “You’re making me feel…”
• Describes the specific behavior or situation (not the person)
• Shares the impact
• States a positive request for what you want instead

Also, avoiding absolute words (“always,” “never”) helps keep conversations grounded in understanding rather than reaction.

4. Acknowledge Emotions

Beliefs aren’t rooted only in logic — they’re tied to lived experiences and emotional landscapes. When those aren’t recognized, conversations feel cold or dismissive.

You don’t have to agree with someone’s feelings to acknowledge them. A simple “I can see this matters to you” can diffuse tension and encourage openness.

5. Know When to Step Away

Understanding each other doesn’t require pushing through exhaustion. Sometimes stepping back is the healthiest choice.

If the tone shifts or fatigue creeps in, take a pause. Try, “Let’s pause and revisit this later. I think we both could use a break.”

Boundaries protect relationships.

6. Practice Intellectual Humility

Understand that we never see the full picture. Your perspective is shaped by your experiences.

Others may hold pieces you haven’t encountered yet. Humility isn’t weakness. This mindset makes conversations safer and more productive for everyone.

In the days following Thanksgiving, many of us return to normal life carrying the echo of family conversations — the warm ones, the awkward ones, and the ones we wish had gone better. It’s a reminder that talking across differences isn’t always easy. But it’s also a reminder that civil conversations are both possible and powerful.

Understanding each other — even in disagreement — is one of the most meaningful ways we can strengthen our relationships, our families, and our communities.

Further Reading
Difficult Conversations (Stone, Patton, Heen)
Crucial Conversations (Patterson et al.)
“How to Have Better Political Conversations” – TED Talk by Megan Phelps-Roper (YouTube)